Unrealistic Christmas List 2009

As promised, my list of unrealistic crap I want(ed) for Christmas. Yes, I know we're into the second week of JANUARY, don't judge me. I had stuff to do. (<--Lie.)


7. A new-model remote from Click. First, if you haven’t seen the movie Click, you’re missing out. I think I become just a smidge better of a person every time I watch this movie. It instills family values and all that crap. However, the remote in the movie is faulty, and causes all sorts of sucky, unwanted side effects. So I want the Remote 2.0. I’d like to fast forward waiting in airports, waiting in line, bathroom breaks, arguments, bus rides with smelly people, and other such un-enjoyable circumstances.

6. A Barbie PowerWheels. So, I’m not even sure if they make these anymore. This was the one thing I always wanted for Christmas growing up, and it was the thing that Santa never brought. Really, Santa was showing some logic, here, because we had a big house on a little bit of land in a subdivision full of busy streets. But kids have no such safety-injected logic, and I fricken wanted one. So this is an unrealistic wish because there’s no way I could cram my now adult-sized (read: oversized) ass into one of them, and because I now have the ability to drive a real big-girl car.
Edit: They DO still make these, and they even make Escalade ones.

5. A trip into outer space. I think every one of us lived through a phase where we truly believed we were going to be something awesome when we grew up: professional ballet dancer, race car driver, astronaut, etc. While I never really aspired to be an astronaut, I always believed that some day I would be able to orbit the Earth and be all floaty and such. I adore the perspective of the Earth as a blue marble, and would like to see it in person.

4. A fairy godmother. From lottery winnings to Tickle-Me-Elmos, we all want something. I think the Average Bear would wish for a magic lamp with a genie, but here’s the problem: genies have rules—and you usually only get 3 wishes. Plus, genies are boys, and men fuck everything up. You know it's true. Well 3 wishes is crap. I want the fairy godmother: First of all, she’d be awesome because she could grant me all the nifty stuff I want/need, but she could also serve as a motherly/conscience-like figure who can explain to me that I do need another flight home from Denver on Christmas Eve when I miss mine, but I do not need 20 pairs of Jimmy Choos. (Bitch.)

3. A lifetime supply of calorie-free Cinnabon. Other than cookies, Cinnabon is possibly the most delicious thing I’ve ever put in my mouth. (Shuddup with the “in my mouth” thoughts.) The damn things sell themselves—they smell like sugary orgasm. Unfortunately, I also get blocked arteries and fatter thighs just from the smell. So if we could go ahead and chemically remove all the calories, that’d be great.

2. An Aston Martin Vanquish. It’s a sweet car, in case you didn't know. And yes, I wanted one before James Bond and the Cullens made them trendy. They don’t make them any longer to my knowledge, but-- point is moot, I want one for Christmas. Fo’ FREE.

1. A Tiffany Diamond Ring. Yes, all of those are proper nouns. I don’t necessarily mean an engagement ring, because there is no Mr. Right attached. But I have a few cheapie silver things from Tiffany’s… and I LOVE them. They are timeless and elegant, and every girl loves DIAMONDS. (Again, capitals are necessary.)


What would you ask for, if you could have any unrealistic thing?